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2009 and the neverending moment. [May. 7th, 2011|03:01 pm]
[music |"Hands Down" - Dashboard Confessionals]

Deep within my heart, there is a door marked with the number "4". It is locked, and only the key I hold can open it. It contains my life's greatest treasure. Something I dare not part with. Something that will live within me for all time.

In January of 2009, I started classes at Valencia. They were a wonderful medley: Calculus, Microeconomics, AutoCAD, and last but not least, Anthropology. I was 20 years old, single after three years in my first relationship, living in Orlando, and still at that point had never held a job. I began to shy away from World of Warcraft, as Stefanie cited it was one of the grievances that ended our relationship. Instead, I would go kite flying and bike riding. I'd go to see movies and I would practice my music (I took up piano again to relieve the stress of Stefanie's departure). My heart healed quickly, and I learned to love being on my own for a while. It was a beautiful time, and I had little care in those days.

Facebook, too, became an increasingly frequent pastime. I reveled in the sudden contact and accessibility I had with the voices of my past. And while Facebook had closed one door, it opened up so many others. What happens next, we shall see if I have the heart to tell it.
I spoke before of a girl I knew in high school, named Coral. Back in those days, we were merely friends... we'd share the food we acquired at lunch, and I'd stand in the sun to provide her with shade as she sat. We were both in happy relationships then, so while we showed each other great friendship, we never displayed anything more than scant flirtatious interest.

However, in Late 2008, her boyfriend became disinterested and either left her, caused her to leave him, or both. I had always been attracted to Coral, who was beautiful, tall, always happy and optimistic, affectionate, and above all, loving. She and I were delighted to see each other on Facebook, and soon we were speaking regularly. It didn't take long before we were in love, and not wanting to be alone on Valentine's day, I asked her to go with me to Drama's upcoming coffee house event (Friday, February 13). The appointed day came, and I travelled south to my home city of Coral Springs. I picked her up from MSD and after that, we spent the day together. I remember I had a haircut that day and she came with me. She came with me to my house and met my mother. She had a sticker, a valentine's sticker with a frog on it... she stole my phone and put the sticker on the back and then returned my phone without me knowing. We went to the coffee house and watched the performances, and mingled with all the familiar faces that were glad to see me in town, and also pleasantly surprised that we were there together.

Before coffee house had drawn to a close, we sat with a mutual friend, Michelle, and the three of us decided to leave early. Coral said she had a sudden urge to bake cookies, and Michelle volunteered her house. We dropped by Walmart first and bought ingredients (I had forgotten the most important one, matter of fact, butter.) At Michelle's house, we three sat and discussed things. The cookies, for lack of butter, came out an absolute failure, but we had fun nonetheless. That night, Coral reached out and touched my nose and was overwhelmed when she found out that I beeped (this is a children's game that runs in my family, any red-blooded Sommerer beeps when you push his/her nose.) I also remember the feeling I had then... a potent blend of euphoria, peace, and destiny. I knew then that her fate and mine would be forever joined. I can't say I've ever had a feeling like it, before or since. It became late, and after midnight, Coral and I left to drop her off at her house. She lived a ways south in Fort Lauderdale, and en route, we decided to make a quick stop at the beach before returning her home. I remember sitting with her in the cold sand, watching the moon shine an eerie green light through the fog. The Ocean was still, silent, and misty. Around two in the morning (it was, point of fact then Valentine's day) we went to her house, where I dropped her off. We embraced, said good night, and I went home.

The next day, I went to visit my dad in the morning. When the visit was over, I rushed to Coral's house, for we had planned to go to the Renaissance festival. Unfortunately, we were too late, and only managed to watch the exodus of people leaving. We admired the more elaborate costumes, and simply talked. That moment was the first time I held her hand. We returned to her house for a short time, and then walked down the Riverfront in our Renn-fest garb. We spoke for hours. We had dinner at the Floridian before going back to her house, which was empty.

I remember it, clear as if I was there right now... that moment. I was sitting on the couch, she was laying down with her head on my lap, looking up at me. I told her about all the times in the previous 24 hours that I might have kissed her, but was unsure how she'd react. She was unsurprised, and the moment then seemed right. I briefly explained that I couldn't bend my back enough to kiss her with her head on my lap. So she lifted her head, and then we kissed.

The first of many, but I remember exactly how it felt. I was falling in love since the night before, but that night... that night I fell so deeply in love with her that I knew I'd never find a way out. When I think about it, I can still feel the sensation of vertigo. Even after all that has transpired, day by day I'm still falling in love with her more and more. In that moment, the world seemed to fall away, and it was as if we two souls were sailing in that apartment, upon an ocean of nothingness... no sky, no earth, no water, no light. Just us two, holding each other forever in the darkness.

Should I live a thousand lifetimes, my heart will always be living in that moment, and that moment within my heart.

A thousand times perfect. Perfect a thousand times.

I love you, Coral.

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Of the delay. [May. 4th, 2011|02:00 am]
[mood |busybusy]
[music |http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aGbGmZ09CG8]

Just so you all know, the next entry will be enormous. I'm working on it outside of LJ, so that I might complete it over the course of a few days and then post it when it's finished.
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Of 2008, and the end of many eras. [Apr. 30th, 2011|07:02 pm]
[music |Surprisingly, none.]

After 2008 began, I went the rest of the school year as normal; I didn't reveal my family circumstances to virtually anyone. Around this time, I realized that if I wanted to go to college, I would have to start the process of applying. Looking back on it, I was very foolish about the schools I considered. I mostly wanted to go to UCF, if only to remain with Stefanie. I applied, but there were complications in the application process, on top of which I was likely a weak candidate to begin with. With graduation on the horizon, I made a list of prospective majors and after careful thought, elected architecture as the one that I felt most passionate about. They always told me that I would do well in law, as I definitely have a mind for language, details, and debate and also a sharp memory. I just didn't feel that I'd be satisfied with law. It didn't provide any opportunities to do something creative. Religion and philosophy were tempting, but I wasn't sure how I wanted to make a living at that. Sound engineering was also a strong candidate. So much so that I still sometimes consider going to school for it on the side some day. But looking back at my life, I realize that architecture runs throughout it, in the games I played, in the people I learned from, in all of it. I very much wanted a field where I could blend mathematics, engineering, and physics with the more abstract elements of art, religion and anthropology.

In March, I visited Orlando with friends Brandon Cohen and Evan Glick that we might look for an apartment. We decided on a 4/4 at the Village at Alafaya Club, and went over the lease. I think we signed in May, and the move-in date was set for August. The fact that I was not yet accepted into UCF was a point of oversight; I was not particularly worried about it at the time for some stupid reason.

In May, graduation came. I had rocked many of my finals, and gave an honest try at the AP Physics B exam. I later learned that I earned a passing "3", much better than I thought I did. I spent the summer playing World of Warcraft, more than likely. I remember that Stefanie tried to leave me in June. She realized that since we spent so much time together, she didn't really have anyone else to hang out with. For lack of options I suppose, she gave me another chance. She had failed to graduate from BC, and so was spending another semester in South Florida. This meant that I would be going to Orlando ahead of her. In August we went on a week-long trip to New York, and for that time, we were very happy with each other. It was a wonderful time, and I loved being so close to her. Later that month, I moved into Alafaya, where for the remainder of the year I lived on my Parent's money. I managed my funds very well, mind you, and took good care of myself. But I still didn't have a job, and worse, I still hadn't heard from UCF. In september, I got it all straightened out, or would have: UCF had misplaced something or other, and consequently had not accepted me. I turned then to Valencia Community college, but found myself late in registering. So my education at that point was dead in the water. So for the next 4 months, I pretty much stayed in the apartment and played WoW, or went out and about with roommates. I should also note that in late November, I created a facebook. Stefanie had talked about starting one with me, but we never went ahead with it, so I made one myself.

In December, Stefanie finally managed, with great finality, to cut the chord. In my absence, she had found the avenue out, and had taken it. Once again, she needed to remain in Broward for a semester, and it appeared that she wouldn't be coming up to Orlando until the summer. More than ever before in my life, I was shattered. For the first time since we had started dating (3 years, that december) I felt the tide of lonliness engulfing me. The world bared in on me, and I felt tremendous pain. Worse even than when my father was taken.

It was then that destiny struck. On facebook one day, I saw a friend suggestion... Stefanie apparently had a facebook. I friended her, and upon reading her wall, I was shocked. She had apparently had a facebook for months, and on her wall she had been antagonizing me the whole time. I was irate. Sadness does not become me, and I'm usually very slow to anger, but for the first time in years, I was truly enraged. I called her and demanded an explanation. She and I tangled for a few minutes. Towards the end she said "You know how bad it was being with you these last few months?" I asked her how bad, and she said "I'm with Ryan now." And just like that, I hung up. I believe that was the first and last time I ever hung up on her. I later learned that I had made her cry in a public place with that phone call. After I hung up, I ran. Ran down Alafaya, ran until my muscles were sore. When I got back to the apartment, I had pulled many muscles in both legs, and collapsed on the couch. Brandon, who was at the table, told me it was probably not a good idea to have called her. I asked, breathlessly, "Why not?" He said "because then you wouldn't be..." he searched for the word for my current condition. "Broken." In that instant, I jumped up on both feat and strongly declared "Nothing breaks Matthew." I went into my room, and slept.
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Of 2007 and the falling out. [Apr. 29th, 2011|10:38 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |"Fell On Black Days" - Soundgarden]

When 2007 rolled around, not much changed. I was still in high school, stef was still in college, and the summer of 2008 - when I would graduate high school - seemed too distant to worry about. I continued to work on shows with Drama, and also continued to operate the auditorium as a stage tech. However, when Dean Calmer (the legendary orchestra teacher) left MSD, Tech became a skeleton class, and never returned to its formerly awesome state. The first half of the year passed quickly, I don't seem to remember any important events occurring in that time. The days were filled by school and theater, and the nights were filled with World of Warcraft and time spent with Stefanie. Time did not pass quickly, but not much changed from day to day. Thus my junior year of high school transpired. However, my senior year would prove to be quite eventful. The harshness of the world beyond high school began to seep into the systems that kept me content, and one by one, they began to break down. Senior year began where Junior year had left off... no surprise there. As 2007 wound down, only a few not able events occurred. In november, my father suffered a Gall Bladder failure, but made a strong recovery. In early December, Stefanie and I were still going strong, although every now and then, she would distance herself from me. I seem to remember the phrase "I don't think we'll make it to three years." Something like that would have been devastating at the time. However, we did stay together for the time being, presumably I convinced her to give me another shot.

Little hiccups like that, I'm afraid, would pale in comparison to what happened next though. In one of the last days before winter break, I was called out of school early... halfway through my last class no less. When I went to the office, all they told me was "they want you home." I signed out, went home, and entered through the back door where mom was waiting for me. "Daddy's been arrested." I remember the moment like it was minutes ago. What followed was a months-long waking nightmare, one in which my family fractured from within. My father had apparently been charged with no fewer than nine felony counts of molestation regarding my niece. Let me just make this statement. I do not believe that anything these charges accused him of was perpetrated. They seemed to be exaggerated, over the top, and furthermore, they were not established by anything more than bits and pieces of testimony. It seems that in a case such as that, whether you are innocent or not, the charges themselves can be taken as evidence against you. They wouldn't post bail for him simply because of "the severity of the charges." Now wait a minute. For suspects in a murder case (one with phsical evidence, a body, a weapon, etc.) bail is usually posted, even if it's a considerable sum. Those are charges that are based on actual circumstances, and somehow they are not as "severe" as charges based entirely on word of mouth.

In any event, my brother (and niece's father) Jim was (and for all I know is) convinced that the allegations were true. While I personally don't see any concrete support for them, I'd naturally expect him to be very protective of his daughter, and noticing any change in her would have had a profound effect on him. It's still my firm belief that this is somehow, some way, a vast misunderstanding. He tried his very hardest to make sure that my father was accused, believing whole-heartedly that he deserved it. My father felt that if it had gone to trial, surely he would be acquitted, as he was innocent. The rest of us were a bit more realistic... he was facing the very real possibility of 25 to life. We convinced him to take a plea deal, with a drastically reduced sentence. He plead no contest to the charges, and was sentenced to 54 months. While these memories all seem ancient to me when I think about how much has passed since then, the length of time stretches into the present, and in fact he will be released this coming October.

At the time, it was so very shocking. The fallout from all this would be staggering; no member of my family has been able to contact Jim or my niece for years now. My mother, Paul (my only brother that still remained living at home at that time) and myself adapted to life without my father's presence. Life went on.
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Of 2006; the year of glory. [Apr. 28th, 2011|09:25 pm]
[mood |nostalgicReminiscent]
[music |"Firework" - Katy Perry]

I was still posting at the beginning of 2006, but the chronicles were sealed with the advent of a fulfilled prophesy. In December of 2005, I met Stefanie, a pale-skinned dark-eyed beauty with hair the color of oblivion. We were both working on the show "How to succeed in Business Without Really Trying" for drama at Marjory Stoneman Douglas. Over the course of winter break, we fell in love, and in January we started a relationship. Around that time, Nathaniel was purchased (he was named by Stefanie, point of fact) and he would become my primary means of transportation. Voluntarily, I became a veritable bus driver for drama: Anyone that needed a ride after rehearsal could find one with me. A pool of regulars soon formed, and the comradery that comes with carpooling manifested an entity known only as "The Brotherhood of the Stratus." After meeting Stef, I became increasingly involved with drama club, and also the culture of people who ate lunch at the pavillion in the courtyard. I knew many of them already from previous schools before PJP II, and I fondly refer to them as "pavillion people". They were a collection of misfits, concientious deviants, artists, web-culture enthusiasts, anime nerds, and philosophers. Many of them fit several or all of those descriptions. I became one of them, and gained a mild reputation as an observant, thoughtful person who looked a hell of a lot like John Lennon. I stopped using the term around that time, but many of them would go on to become "great ones of my circle." To name all of them would be quite impossible, so I'll list the most important ones. Stefanie, of course, was the most important at the time. Rachel would become a strong friend. Larc I had known since elementary school, and her boundless imagination has always impressed me. Mariya, the very same Mariya I had pursued in the chronicles, was one of them. Will Maguire was a man that wore awesomeness around him like a cloak, and could be counted upon for having something interesting to say. And there was Coral. She was friendly, tall, always giving hugs, and usually smiling. During high school, she was a good friend. While I'd like to tell this tale with minimal foreshadowing, I cannot help but to pause at these memories of her. They seem ancient now. But in any event. Things were going well for me. I had a tight circle of friends, kept myself busy with drama (and at home, World of Warcraft) had a good car, a beautiful girlfriend, and didn't have to pay for any of it. Stefanie graduated in May of that year, but we were still just as inseperable. She was going to Broward College (then Broward Community College) for theater, and often times I would go to watch her plays. Much of the rest of that year passed in that way; I worked on shows for MSD, she worked on shows for BC, and life was wonderful. Not many other life changing events occured that year. My brother John was married in September to Amanda, who to me is less like a sister-in-law and more like a bona fide sister. There was a Thanksgiving, there was a Christmas, and shortly thereafter, 2006, the year of glory, passed into history.
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Of the battles since the anomaly's triumph. [Apr. 27th, 2011|10:21 pm]
[mood |nostalgicnostalgic]
[music |"Boys of Summer" - Don Henley]

Good evening. Few people suscribed to this journal when it was operational, and that was a long time ago. I am certain that I am speaking to no one now. But the sentiment of my heart needs an outlet, and these chronicles are once more needed.

I am Matthew, and I am now 22 years old, quickly approaching 23. As I read the previous articles, I see a vastly younger self talk about things like love, and pain, and battles. It really does make me chuckle, knowing what I know now. Since then, I have known love more powerful than anything I could have imagined. Since then, I have felt pain so sharp and so deep that it was my hope, if only for a few minutes, to die.

However, I've never given up on the war. I know now just as I knew then that life is a battle.

When I closed the pages of this journal, I was half-way through seventeen. That was a glorious year. I met Stefanie, and we fell in love. Laredo, the jeep, took only weeks before his engine block warped and he was junked. He was replaced by Nathaniel, A silver '05 Dodge stratus. His story is long and illustrious, and I will it tell later. I was rapidly becoming more involved with my high school theater troop, something that would influence my life even to this day. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was getting out of music, and little by little, leaving it behind. I had at that point never held a job. I was just beginning to play World of Warcraft, and looking back on it, it may have been the true bane of these chronicles. I was young, and naive, and felt unstoppable. In those respects, frankly, I haven't changed. Now, however, I am so much stronger, much more independent, much wiser, and apparently a much better writer. In the entries that will follow I will chronicle the trials and journeys that I have endured since. Just know that the anomaly remains, and it remains benevolent.
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Awakening. [Apr. 27th, 2011|02:57 am]
[mood |Brooding]
[music |Live - The Dam at Otter Creek]

The world turns. Men and women die, children are born. The rain falls, the rivers flow, the tides recede and advance, the clouds roll. Time wages its unending war on human memory. The names of heroes and nations become lost in the aeons.

Yet amidst this unchanging cycle, there is a disturbance. There is an alien chill in the wind, an echo sweeping over the hills. The days are growing darker. And deep, deep within the cavernous depths, something dormant is stirring.

The time foretold is at hand. The world draws nearer to ruin, and its people continue on the happy path of blindness. Evil's sway over mankind is strengthening, and what little light there is left for us grows dim. A great storm is gathering on the horizon. A tempest the likes of which has never been beheld. It will grow to loom over the reality we call our home, threatening to leave no stone unturned.

But in the depths, in a long forgotten place, something grows restless. In its tomb, it begins once again to draw in breath. And amongst the monuments of a past age, its ancient eyelids open.

The anomaly is awakening.
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Epilogue [Sep. 18th, 2006|01:58 am]
[Current Location |at peace]
[mood |contemplativecalm, poetic, powerful]
[music |silence]

I said the last entry would be final. in a way it still is. While the battle is over, the war yet remains. A campaign that may well take me a thousand lifteimes to complete. and it may well only take one. At some point i wrote the following words, i know not when, but they are the pinnacle of all truth i ever spoke. I'd have you hear them well and remember them.

The world draws closer to ruin. Is it not there already? Is it not already ash? is it's air no longer breathable, it's water turned to poison?

Man will destroy his home in his desperate crusade to survive. Humans will cease to live if they cannot learn how to die.

The Tiger will hunt in the jungle, and what he kills is his to eat, for that has been the way of life since the world began.
But should that tiger kill a child, he will be hunted and killed, for man must have his vengeance.

For all the creatures he has killed, and all the creatures he has tainted, and all the life that he has destroyed merely to be more comfortable, man can be said to deserve death...

For he was given wisdom, and that gave him the power to lord over his fellow beings. But does not power corrupt? Even among our own, there are warlords who sieze power. And though they unite those who submit to them, a warlord will see to it that his rule is unquestioned and that his comfortability and survival are above those of his citizens.

Is that not the way of man? Is greed the only thing that unites us?

I say not.

I say there is a way to live and die with grace, a way to bring back balance to the world of man. For while greed compels us to make low our fellows, we are all lifted by love.
Love is a force to better one's self and one's fellows, a balanced and righteous force to combat that which man has brought about in the world.

There are demons among us, and we look them in the eyes, yet we do not see them. Treat the creatures of the earth with love. Treat your fellows, friend and foe, with love.

Let love flow within you and empower your words and deeds and then maybe yet we will live, and live in grace. Perhaps when man learns to do this as a whole, we will save ourselves and our fellows, and we will live in peace forever more.
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of Paradise Refound. [Feb. 6th, 2006|12:03 am]
[mood |satisfiedTriumphant]
[music |"In My Time of Dying" - Led Zeppelin]

My friends, I apologize for the long pause in my updates but there is good reason.

For many years, through many trials and an age of lonliness, i have found it.
Though the path has long since been lost, i found my way back.
Friends, i have traveled time and space searching for my lost Kashmir.

Friends, I have found Kashmir.

This spells the end of my wanderings. This turns my very essence from that of wind to that of stone.
And while the battle i have fought for so long is over, there yet remains the war.

This journal is complete. it's purpose is fulfilled. This will be my final entry. The Battle of Evermore is over.

Honor to Vikash. Grace to Stephanie. Understanding to Mariya. Prosperity to Vanessa. Glory and blessings to Stef, my beloved Kashmir. Good bye and good luck to you all!

- The Benevolent Anomoly
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of treasures beyond imagination. [Jan. 1st, 2006|10:56 pm]
[music |"]

Updating, not just for the sake of updating, but because a few minutes ago i honestly felt like it.

I am the richest man in the world. I should be the envy of any reasonable man. Simple knowledge and lasting patience have given me greater treasures than mortal man could ever hope for... only one thing can match my fortune... it belonged to my grandfather and i hope one day it will be mine... happy and peaceful death. Perhaps that simple knowledge and unyielding patince will bring me that too.

Everything that you do, do with love. Maybe one day you will be as rich as I am.
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